Stumbled home drunk last night at 4am and fell asleep cradling a bowl of mac and cheese.
Thank you Anon! :)
Thanks internet stranger. Your words cheered me up.
It’s Friday the 6th of December. It’s my real birthday in a week. I never expected to live this long. Ever since I was old enough to know that what my mother did was wrong, I’ve wanted to die. Sometimes I would kiss her back when she French kissed me, thinking it was all normal. Incest, physical and mental abuse. That was the norm for me growing up. That was my reality, my life.
Whenever I would give her a questioning look or otherwise upset her, she would get angry and shout “DO YOU WANT ME TO SEND YOU BACK TO THAILAND? DO YOU? I’VE DONE SO MUCH FOR YOU AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?” I was just a kid. But despite that, I knew she was right. I wouldn’t have been in Denmark if it hadn’t been for her. So I would stutter that I was sorry, that I didn’t mean to upset her.
Years later, I slowly started to realise that what she did was wrong. French kissing your kid is not okay. Verbally and physically abusing your kid is not okay. Threatening to stab your kid is not okay. Making fun of your kid’s stutter is not okay. Kicking your kid outside during winter is not okay. Finally realising how wrong everything was sent me deep into a depression.. Which I’ve yet to wake up from.
I’ve wanted to die since that. The rape, flashbacks and all the other shit didn’t exactly help. For years I felt bad about not having that human desire for wanting to keep on living. I mean, isn’t that what makes us human – having that desire to continue growing, living and all that? Well. Now I’ve more or less accepted that I just don’t give a shit about continue kicking it. Life isn’t for everyone and that’s okay.
Anyway. I met up with Anna. I apologised for the coffee incident. She said it didn’t matter. She asked me how I was holding up. I smiled and said everything was okay. Lies all around. But who cares. We were only supposed to meet up for coffee, but somehow we ended up back at her place, kissing aggressively, biting each other’s tits and whatnot. I pushed her up against a wall at one point. I bite her nipples. She let out a scream and tried pushing me away, but I didn’t let go. I kept biting. I pushed her skirt up and turned her around so I could spread her ass cheeks and eat out her ass from behind. After that we rolled around the floor for a while, kissing, fighting, trying to get on top of the other. I got on top of her after a few minutes. I fingered her and then smeared her own pussy juices all over her face before I started riding said face while fingering my asshole with two fingers. I came with a loud scream. I kissed her face clean of our pussy juices afterwards. I loved how raw and animalistic it had been.
We were sitting on her floor when she said, “Aphinya, how are you really holding up?” I cocked my head to the side and looked at her. I touched her face and asked if she really wanted to know. She shook her head. Huh. That’s what I thought. I gathered my things and left her place. I started to cry in the middle of Times Square. I looked down on the palms of my hands, wondering if I will be alive next week. Then I noticed my hands still smelled of pussy.