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Anonymous: You are strong. You are smart and beautiful, you can make it. I look up to you so much, I wish I could tell you this in person. It is going to take a while, but you will make it! There are people who care about you, who want to know that you are alright (even if it is through Tumblr).

I’m speechless. I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone telling me she/he looks up to me. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

Thanks for putting a smile on my face Anon!

  • fluesmaek
  • fluesmaek
laughingasidie: You're a Slayer fan?! :D

I sure am:)

Saturday night. Board games, red wine and… SLAYER. This guy doesn’t know anything about the flashbacks. I feel so normal. Sane. Thank you, C.

Scars on my temple. The worst ones are covered by my hair. But still. Huge improvement. (+ stretched ears folded up)

Scars on my temple. The worst ones are covered by my hair. But still. Huge improvement. (+ stretched ears folded up)

Anonymous: It is always nice to see your pretty smile, how are you doing? Is anything getting better for you? I really hope life is giving you some sort of a break at least.

Awwww. Thanks Anon! :) I’m ok for the moment. I mean, it could always have been worse, right? 

Anonymous: Thong thursday?

In my last entry, I wrote about a guy who messaged me again, months after telling me he didn’t feel comfortable fucking me because of the flashbacks. I blocked him to begin with, because I didn’t want to deal with whatever he had to say. 

But of course I was too curious in the end. I unblocked him and wrote him back. Two days later, we met up again. I went home to him after a night out. We sat and talked for a while, before heading to bed. Nothing happened to begin with. But then we started cuddling. One thing led to another, and suddenly I was sucking his dick. He choked me while fucking me from behind. I moaned and felt horny. I wanted him to fuck me harder, more brutal. I wanted to feel his hand around my neck tighten even more. 

But then I started to panic. I started to sob, but I didn’t want to turn around and let him see my face. That’s how I scared him away the last time after all. We fooled around, but I panicked right before we actually fucked. I didn’t want to scare him away again. I tried so hard to stay calm and collected. I guess I succeeded. Or, no - I didn’t. But I managed to fool the both of us into thinking things were okay, I suppose. 

We fucked again the following morning. He fucked me from the side. I let out a sharp, short laugh after he came on my back. I guess I sort of found it funny that we were lying there, both in pain. Him because of his back problems. Me because of the flashbacks. It felt like we were two cripples. I felt so dead inside. 

I was putting on my heels and getting ready to leave, when he out of the blue said ” it seems like you have a difficult time accepting that some people actually aren’t out to hurt you”. He told me to stop panicking and running away when good things happen. 

I sort of froze after hearing him say that. I wanted to turn around and sneer that I have my motherfucking reasons to fucking run the fuck away from people. I could feel myself wanting to hurt him, since I sure as hell didn’t want to be confronted with shit like that by someone like him - just another guy trying to save me or whatever. Huh.